Song(s): Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy, Saint Simon-The Shins (because they rock and if you don’t like them you’re broken!)
3 Thing Minimum: Nipples, Slayer Connection, Bi-Curious, Boston, Queers, Homophobia, Masturbation, Green beer, Black Irish, Boondock Saints, Birkenstocks, Text Messaging, Oral Sex (not to be confused with Gina sex), The Kama Sutra, MySpace, Orgasm, Viagra, Pixy Stix, Ben Wa Balls, Sushi, Dewey Decimal System, Igneous Rock Formation, Medulla Oblongata.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the shiny nickel Gina gave me a bajillion years ago. Please don't sue my pants off as I only have the one pair.
A/N: Yeah I really wasn't going to do this. Honestly. But...yeah here we are. questions? comments? general flamings?

-Subversive Theatre

Almost is Never Enough

"Faith Finds Out" Challenge

3rd Place Winner

Chapter 1

“Faith? A word please?” I glance up from my comic and sigh. Havin’ a Watcher again is kinda weird, especially when he’s interrupting my readin’ time. Giles gives me his patented stern face so I get my ass up outta my chair and follow him in to the small room he likes ta call his office. I flop in the chair across from him and prop my feet on the desk.

He glares at me but I just smile all sunny and Buffy like. It always gets him. “What’s up G?” Did I forget to restock his booze or something? Nah. Can’t be that. I just bought him a new bottle of scotch. He furrows his brow an’ now I’m startin’ to get worried here. I mean we don’t always have the smoothest of relationships but I really feel like he’s strugglin’ with something. “You can just spit it out anytime here Giles. I promise I won’t flip the fuck out or anything.”

That gets a reaction. Giles blinks at me and gives me a slight grin. “Of that I have no doubt Faith. You’ve come quite a long way in controlling your temper.” My temper. I’d call it my psychosis but hey if he’s bein’ all complimenty I might as well go with it. “I’ve just received word from a friend. I’m afraid we’re needed in Scotland.”

Scotland? Isn’t that where big bad Buffy is? I open my mouth but close it again quickly. He said a friend called him, not Buffy. If it had been her, Giles would have just said so. “Is she…” Dead? No. I would have felt that. I did before. Giles gives a slight shake of his head and I sigh. Goddamnit.

“Buffy is quite capable of taking care of herself and all those with her but I have certain information that she may find necessary to the task at hand.” I narrow my eyes at him because we’re both past the point of lyin’ to each other. I mean. I trust Giles. Well. More than I trust a lotta people. He’s given me a reason to. So we don’t lie to each other. He’s straight with me an’ I’m straight with him. Mostly.

“Was all that British for ‘Buffy still isn’t talkin’ to me?’ Because ya could have just said so and I woulda got it.” Giles grunts and takes his glasses off. Uh huh. I hit a nerve. I knew it. I fuckin’ knew it. “She’s got an ass load of Slayers so she doesn’t need me. You go and I’ll hold down the fort. Don’t worry G. I won’t burn the place down.” Again.

He gives me a slightly disturbed look and leans back in his chair. “I’m afraid I can’t allow that Faith.” What? Okay I’m calm. Cool blue oceans, and warm breezes. Cool blue oceans and warm breezes. I’m fucking calm here.

“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me here Giles. I’ve been a big girl a long time now an’ I don’t need a babysitter.”

“No you don’t.” Well that shuts me up. He puts his glasses on and places his hands flat on his desk. I notice shit like this that I didn’t before. It’s his way of tryin’ to keep me calm. Didn’t I just say that I was fuckin’ calm? Okay so maybe I’ve got that tense, nose flared thing goin’ but I’m not about to reach over the desk an’ throttle him or anything. “I can’t allow it because I rather feel I need you there.”

My brows come up at that. He needs me? Or Buffy needs me? “Like I said. B’s got a gaggle of girls. What’s she need me for?” Heh. B and a gaggle of girls. Except for the extreme surge of jealousy I just got the visual is pretty nice.

“I didn’t say Buffy needed you Faith. I need you.” Okay. Wait. Did I just miss somethin’ while I was busy thinkin’ of Buffy and her nipples all over…wait. I’m getting sidetracked again. “Oh please stop whatever lascivious thoughts are going through your mind. It’s written all over your face.”

Ya know it occurs to me that I’d like ta have somethin’ of Buffy’s all over my face but I swallow that comment before Giles flips his wig. “Sorry Giles.” I can’t help the devious grin on my face but he kinda just ignores that. See we got a system, me an’ G. I think bad thoughts, he ignores them. Usually.

“As I was saying. Things between Buffy and I are such that she may prefer not to hear my information. I don’t blame her really and it may be of no consequence afterall but…you and I have gleaned quite a bit from our work.” Ah yeah. Twilight. Those fuckers are everywhere. I give him a nod. “Your first hand experience with the members of Twilight will be quite invaluable…”

Oh. I get it. He’s actually askin’ me to go. I blink and nod once. “I get ya Giles. She might not listen to just me or just you but she’s gotta listen to the both of us right?” Probably she’ll think that I did some weird thing to Giles and made him a zombie or robot or somethin’. She way overestimates my powers of mind control. “I’m in.”

Funny ‘cause Buffy normally underestimates me. Always has. But whatever. Giles breathes a sigh of relief and smiles encouragingly at me. “That is much appreciated Faith. I realize that your relationship with Buffy has been rocky at best and this is not the most comfortable of positions to be in with her.”

Ha. If he only knew what positions I’d like ta be in with his baby girl. I offer him a resigned smile. “Whatev, G. It’s the rules to the game right?” He gives me a confused look so I run my hands through my hair. “All hail before the Queen.” I’m up and out the door before he can say anything about that. The truth is that when Buffy needs someone, he’ll always be right there. They all will.

An’ I’m thinkin’ they’re all gonna be mighty pissed at me for stranglin’ Buffy the Great the last time we met up. Not that they don’t have a right to. I let my control slip. I can’t let that happen again. Not ever. I just wish she would have listened to me. Let me explain. But that’s just not the way me an’ B roll. I guess I better get ta packin’ my shit. This seems kind of the time is of the essence type of deal.

“No but really.” Oh God. I so knew this was going to happen. “Giles is coming here.” I lean back against the wall of the training room and sigh. This is not what I needed right now. Especially since Giles is probably bringing Faith here.

“Why Xander?” That’s all I want to know. Why Giles, why now? Why behind my back? He shrugs at me and swivels in his chair. You have no idea how badly I want to spin that chair until he pukes right now. “I mean it’s not like Giles has been around or making much use of that thing called a phone. Why did you call him now?”

Oh yeah I sound like a big whiney baby. I know it and Xander knows it. “Because we need help Buff. Giles and Faith have been in the trenches with this thing.” What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve been trenchy lately. You know. When I’m not sleeping with Slayers that are in love with me. Oh God. I give him a scornful look and rub my thumb over my brow. “I know you hate the F word Buffy, but I really think they might be able to help.”

Yeah I just bet. She’s going to walk in here and be all cocky and arrogant and some other third equally annoying thing and then we’re going to have to fight. Which is how it always happens. “Did we all just forget the strangling part of the last time Faith and I had a run in?” Xander looks away and I know he remembers. I know he remembered before he called Giles. And that only makes me angrier.

“No Buffy I didn’t forget. I was hoping you’d let that one slide.” Let it slide? Let it SLIDE! Is he out of his fucking mind? She tried to kill me. Again! “Okay okay I can see you’re not willing to work this out. I’ll just call Giles and tell him to give me what he’s got over the phone.” Hey. How come he didn’t think of that before?

I’m distracted enough that I don’t notice Xander dialing right away. Before he’s done I press my finger down on the phone hook and sigh heavily. “Fine. You have a point. Giles may have vital information and…it’d be good to see him again. Just keep her out of my face.” Because it seems that asking for Faith to be out of my life just isn’t going to work.

Xander gives me a grin and hangs up the phone. I think that he was just bluffing and I totally walked in to it. Well whatever. “So are you going to tell her?” Tell who what? I blink and look at Xander with a slightly horrified look on my face.

“Why would I tell Faith anything about my personal life?”

He shrugs again. Boy I hate that shrug. “I was talking about Satsu.”

Oh. Wait. Tell her what now? I blink at him and now it’s his turn to give me the sigh. I hate those too.

“I meant are you going to tell Satsu that Faith is coming here?”

Oh that. “Don’t see why I should. I mean it’s not like they’ll be bestest buds or whatever. Plus. I’m not in a relationship with Satsu. She’s heard the Faith horror stories so she’ll probably steer clear on her own.” Which I sincerely hope because Faith has a really bad habit of sleeping with my boyfriends…er…not that Satsu is my well she’s not a boy anything. But she’s not mine.

“Even though she’s in love with you?”

My hands come up to my face and I grunt. “I’ve already talked to Satsu about that. She can’t….we can’t…go down that road. I know how she feels but I just can’t feel that way.” Not about her. I like her. She’s fun and she’s got great hair and the sex was fucking amazing but I just can’t. I don’t think I can give her my heart even if I remembered who has a hold on it now.

“Uh huh.” Xander’s tone makes me feel a twinge of worry. I pull my hands away from my face and glare at him. There goes that damn shrug again. I’m thinking of breaking his collar bone to keep that from happening again. “She’s not the only Slayer that’s in love with you and you know it.”

Here we go again. “Since when did you become a Faith cheerleader? Because last time I checked she tried to kill you and all your friends right after she gave you the ride of your life.” Oh that was so not okay to say. I know it was wrong because Xander gets a hurt look in his eye and swivels his chair to face the computer console he was working at.

“Since she grew up. Which is more than I can say for some people around here.” Oh yeah. I hurt him bad. I start to reach out my hand to lay on his arm but I think better of it and get up to leave. This is not a conversation I want to have, and definitely not a thought I want to really think on. I’m sorry Xander. I really am. But this is water under the bridge thing can never be because Faith burned that bridge down. Right after pissing all over it.

I know I should be thinking about the part where I’m really angry with her and why that is but I think the glaringly obvious attempts to murder me say enough. Before I’m fully out the door I can hear Xander so I stop to stare at the back of his head. “You’re going to have to deal with this sooner or later Buffy. Before it’s too late for you remember what love is like.” I open my mouth to say something, anything that would sound cool and pun-y. But I’ve got nothing and he’s already tuned me out.

So I have to figure this out huh? Well I know where to start. And even though this could be considered leading someone on and even though I’ve already told Satsu that we can’t continue to do…well it. I’m on a bee line path right for her. I did learn something from all my years of Faithangst.

The best way to forget is to fuck your way through anything. I can’t think if I’m in a constant state of oh yeah. I turn the corner and nearly run right in to Satsu. See? If this wasn’t supposed to happen how’d I find her so fast?

“Buffy! I was just looking for you.”

Hrm. Okay well maybe that puts the kebosh on my fate idea. “And hey look you found me.” Satsu smiles and I think for a whole second a half that I could gladly look at that smile my entire rest of my life. Right up until Faith’s smile complete with dimples super imposes it’s self on her face. Fuck. Satsu clears her throat and I have the good grace to blush a little. “Sorry. I’ve been kinda of weird and off my game today. You had something you needed me for?”

She seems unsure so I step in to her personal bubble and rest a hand on her arm. “Uh yeah. I know you said we can’t be together like that again but…does that mean we can’t be friends either?” Um. Huh? “Because I’ve been getting the feeling you’ve been doing that whole avoid the issue thing.” Well maybe a little. Maybe a lot. “We used to have fun and stuff and I guess I’m missing that.”

She’s younger than me. I know this rationally. But why does she have to be so self aware and articulate? Couldn’t she throw a tantrum and make me not want this? With her. I don’t think anything is going to be easy about this whole situation. It’s going to be messy and heart breaking and I’m going to lose myself again. And it’s only going to get worse when Faith gets here.

I guess that means I should take whatever peace I can find and run with it. My arms work before my brain registers that I’m pulling her to me. And dimly in the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t be thinking about Faith while I’m kissing Satsu. But I am. At least until I feel hands on my waist, and the soft warm tongue that Satsu runs over my lower lip. Now the only thing I’m thinking is that I shouldn’t be doing this but god, she feels good. And she loves me.

I’m not just a passing fancy. I never will be to her. And that’s all I need right now. Well that and probably said soft warm tongue between my legs. Okay lets not get too thinky on Buffy’s bi-curious phase. Because that’s all this is. A phase with really good sex. A phase with really good sex and all that’s missing is the Slayer connection I know I should have but don’t.

The kiss gets deeper and I’m pushing her against the wall before I realize that there are people walking around. People walking around and talking about the fact that I’m sucking serious face with another Slayer. Satsu gives a tiny whimper that drives me in-fucking-sane with the need to have her. “Buffy?”

Her tone is a little too high when we finally break apart. But it’s different from Faith’s rough burr and that’s okay by me. “Can we just…go somewhere? Alone?” I know it’s plaintive and nearly begging but she just nods and takes me by the hand. I don’t know why but I need this. I need to just let go. And Satsu can help me with that.

Chapter 2

I knew that taking this little trip with Giles would be a pain in the ass. I fucking knew it. As the plane takes off from Logan International I shut the window shade. The last thing I wanna see is Boston slippin’ away from me as we pass right over it. “This is gonna suck. You know that right?”

Giles folds his newspaper and gives me a mild look I don’t know how to read. “Very much so I’m afraid.” I snort and almost smile. At least he’s bein’ honest and shit. My fingers start tappin’ on the arm rest and Giles puts a hand over them. I glance at it for about a second before I force myself not to react to that. “We’ve a long way to go yet Faith. Perhaps a nap?”

Oh yeah. Right like that’s gonna happen. I just blink at him for a few minutes. “I’ll try.” It’s a compromise to appease him but really I ain’t crashin’ for awhile. “Been up all night so maybe…” The look in his eyes softens and I take my hand back an’ put it in my lap.

“Yes so I recall hearing.” Oh. I don’t say anything because well, it’s kinda fucked up to laugh at him when he’s all embarrassed and stuff. “You know Faith I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” Great so now he’s gonna weigh in on my sex life? I so don’t need this right now. I turn to face Giles because I know he has a harder time talkin’ about it when I’m starin’ him right in the eyes.

He shifts uncomfortably and I smirk. “What about it G?” Oh boy oh boy. I got the vein to pop out an’ I haven’t even started yet. This is gonna be fun. “Bein’ a lil too loud for ya gramps?” Giles gets that irritated huff he gets when ever I call him gramps.

“Yes actually but that wasn’t what I was referring to.” No of course not. He knows that I know what exactly he’s referring to. But I’m gonna play stupid because that’s easier than dealing. If I’m gonna be in a conversation I can’t run away from I don’t want ta have to do the work for it. “You seem to have a particular type…”

“You’ve been waitin’ a long time to get me cornered to talk about this haven’t you?” Yeah I can change the subject if I wanna. Giles gives me another one of his long suffering sighs. I knew it. I chuckle and wait for the stewardess to come up the aisle. Nice. She’s hot. Blonde. Narrow hipped. And hey lookit those green eyes. My tongue flicks out of the corner of my mouth as I ponder all the ways I could take her.

Maybe this flight won’t be so boring afterall. “Yes well you seem to have quite a lot of other things to do and places to be whenever I mention you fucking Buffy.” Wha? I whip around to stare at him and blink. “Now that I have your attention, may I get on with this horrifying conversation?”

All I can do is nod slightly. I mean yeah I guess he can get on with it since he’s bein’ all bold and shit. “I’m all ears.” He sighs and readjusts himself so that he can face me more fully. I think that means he wants me to take whatever he’s got ta say seriously.

“Faith…” Okay I changed my mind. I don’t wanna hear it. Whatever it is I’m pretty sure I know how the song goes. Buffy’s out of your league. Ya practically killed her. You’re not good enough for her. Blah blah blah. As if I’d even bother to try an’ pry her legs apart. B is strictly dickly. At least that’s all she’ll ever admit to. “I think your feelings for Buffy are much stronger than you realize.”

That’s what he’s choosing to open with? “No shit Giles. I want your girl bad. What’s that got to do with who I fuck?” Other than they mostly have blonde hair, light eyes, and big attitude. What can I say? I like my girls bitchy. Makes it so much sweeter when I’m done ruinin’ them for other women. Heh.

He gives me another of his blank looks and takes off his glasses. I guess he just now realized he’s just as trapped as I am. That gives me a lil bit of comfort. “Well it’s clear you want her. Or you wouldn’t be attempting to sleep with every woman you meet that looks like her. But that is not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

Boy if he polishes those things any more they’re just gonna disappear. “Just getting’ my rocks off with the one that got away. What’s the big?”

“Faith you don’t have…rocks…” Oh well yeah he’s got a point there. I smirk at his look when he finally puts the glasses back on. “Honestly.” Oh yeah I got the exasperated British huff. I must really be workin’ his last nerve. “This is your chance Faith. To say the things you’ve never been able to say.”

And what? “Why? You think she’s gonna just forget the times I tried ta kill her and sleep with her boytoys? Or the fact that I jacked her Watcher right out from under her upturned nose? Fuck that Giles. B hates my guts. Can’t say the feelin’ ain’t mutual.” Most of the time.

The rest of the time I’m in every pub and bar I can find just lookin’ for someone who’ll make me feel half of what I felt when I was with Buffy. “Well, To be honest with you Faith I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Buffy is very determined to keep you at arms length. And given the history you share I can understand why. But you do share something. A bond. Something that does not translate over with the other Slayers. Something unique to the two of you.”

Right. That thing. I don’t wanna give anything away but I can’t help the way my hand moves to my belly and the long jagged scar there. There’s no bond between me an’ Buffy. Just lots of hate. An’ a lil lust thrown in for good measure. I mean I know she wanted me. She was just too fuckin’ homophobic to get over herself. “Yeah well don’t expect her to be in a listenin’ mood. And anyway everything that comes outta my mouth just gets fucked up in the end.” So there ain’t a point in stirrin’ the pot.

God I need a drink. Where’s that stewardess anyway? Giles notes my distracted look with a sigh. Again. Is that all he does anymore? “You’re in love with her aren’t you?” Uh. I stop looking around for my in flight entertainment and glare at him. Why does he always gotta push shit? Why?

“Wouldn’t know Giles. Never been in love before.” That was sort kinda a lie. I mean I know I said that we don’t lie to each other but I couldn’t just spit it out like that. Not with him lookin’ at me like that. With pity in his eyes. God that makes me nuts. “Let me up. I gotta pee.” I don’t, not really but the flight attendant is on that end of the plane. So I need a handy excuse to get up.

Giles knows I’m full of shit. He can tell by the look on my face. “Do try not to get us arrested again please.” I just flash him a cocky smirk and wait for him to get out of the seat. I could have just crawled over him but the last time we flew to Louisiana for a lead I did that. It didn’t go over well. Once I’m past him I stop an’ turn an’ give him a searching look.

He might not really see it this way but he’s kinda my bestfriend. “G?” Giles turns to look at me in exasperation. “I don’t know if it’s love but…” My shoulders come up in a shrug. “If I could do it over, I’d make it right. All of it.” Giles nods once and settles in to his seat. I bet he’s gonna be thinkin’ that one over all the way to Scotland. Me? I just make my way back to the flight attendant an’ give her my best come fuck me face. It works.

It always does.

“Buffy? Are you uh in there?” No I’m really not. I grunt and raise myself up on my elbows. Satsu’s arm is slung over my waist and it really does make me grin. Sex has always been good and even great. But sex with Satsu is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And a hell of a lot better than masturbation. Okay even sex with Riley was better than masturbation. And he was a snoozefest.

I really shouldn’t be so critical of him. “Yeah I’m here. Hang on a sec Wills.” Satsu stirs and starts to wake up but I drop a few kisses on her shoulder when I slink out of bed. It puts her right back to sleep. Which is good. If she’s going to patrol with me later she’s going to need her rest. I dress really quickly and slip out of the room before Willow can catch a glimpse of what’s inside. “What’s up?”

Willow. My sweet Willow. She raises her brows and nods in the direction of the room I just left. “Nothing much. I was looking for you and a few of the girls said they might have seen you coming in this general direction. In a hurry. With Satsu…” Oh yeah. I forgot me with the not so sneakiness. I just give her a look and grin.

“So what’d you need?” She shakes herself out of her reverie and puts on a smirk of her own. Okay. I hope this doesn’t turn in the share part of our friendship. I’m not too sure I want to share Satsu with anyone just yet. Well okay so I told Xander. But that’s only because he was the first person to ask me how my day was and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Willow nudges me with an elbow. “How’re you doing with the whole Giles and Faith thing?” I tip my head to one side and kind of shrug.

“Better I guess. I mean yeah I’m not exactly jazzed about the idea of her being here but…” No I’m really not excited to be seeing Faith. Willow clasps her hands together as we walk. Something happened to us that we just can’t seem to get back. Ever since the incident.

At least that’s what I call it. She probably calls it the blame game. But I can’t fault Willow for thinking that something will happen to Kennedy by being around me. “So is that why you’re joining the ranks of queers?”

“No Will I’m doing it because….” Because I don’t want to think about Faith. Or anyone. Because I’m tired of being alone. Because I don’t think I can keep myself from going insane with the need to connect with someone. And Satsu is someone I connect with. “Honestly I don’t know anymore.” Maybe I am jumping in to this headlong because I don’t want to deal with Faith’s feelings toward me. Wow. I can even be avoidy in my innner monologue.

Willow puts an arm around me and I stop us in the hall. Well maybe I shouldn’t be too hasty with the avoidance with Willow. She is my bestfriend and she knows me better than I know myself most times. “Sometimes you just need to feel something you know?”

Exactly. I give her a relieved look and lean in to her hug. Thank God she gets it. I don’t know what I’d do if I really had to explain it. Well I guess I’d probably become as self actualized as Satsu. “At least I’m not sleeping with an evil vampire this time.” Because that was so wrong. So so so wrong. Willow laughs and presses a light kiss on my bowed head.

“Which is a good thing.” Okay so remind me again why I was so hesitant to keep Willow out of my personal life? “Believe it or not Buffy I get what you’re going through. Maybe for me it was a little different but I know that feeling of needing something all your own.” Yes. “Something you don’t have to share, something you can get lost in safely.” Yes and double yes.

God I love my Willow. “This is huge for me Willow.” She nods and I let out a tension filled breath. “And really hot.” Her laugh is contagious and it gets me going. We break apart and keep walking. I’m seriously hungry right now.

“Yeah well preaching to the choir here baby.” Yeah I guess I am. We share another laugh and head in to the mess hall. “Hungry?” Her brow quirks at my belly rumbling.

“Hungry is so not the word for what I am. I think ravenous is a better term.” Wills snorts and slaps a hand over mouth. What? I give her a questioning look that she just laughs even harder at. No seriously. What?

“I think Satsu would probably agree.” Oh. Well. Nothing much I can say to that. I just blink at her and grab a tray. And yeah the corner of my mouth quirks up in a little bit of a smirk. Oh God. I’m turning in to Faith.

Chapter 3

“So this is the place huh?” I look up at the massive and imposing building. It’s pretty wicked. B’s got her own little castle. Guess my All Hail The Queen comment is pretty accurate. Giles nods only once but I can see him working to swallow the lump he’s got in his throat. This isn’t any easier for him than it is for me, and it’s probably worse since he didn’t get to spend most of his flight gettin’ his freak on.

Of course that’s also why we’re a day later than we should be. “Xander has informed me that we’re to walk right in. Willow already opened the barrier for us to enter. Yesterday.” I knew he wasn’t gonna let that shit go.

I glance up at him and sigh. “Told’ja Giles, I’m really sorry about gettin’ us arrested.”

“Again.” Well. Yeah. It’s not my fault that some fat bastard tried to grab my ass in the airport lounge after he saw me givin’ that stewardess a nice goodbye. I mean I had to defend myself. Right? He gives me a look and grips my shoulder with a warm hand. Any other person and I would have seriously hurt the hell out of them. But it’s Giles and I’m gettin’ used to him.

“Yeah well...this time it really wasn’t my fault.” His smile kinda makes things all better and we start to walk in to the main door. Right over the moat. No shit. A real moat. This is a fucking trip. When we’re inside the castle I take a look around. “Hey fancy...”

Giles chuckles a little but it’s cut short by a grating and annoying voice we’re both way too familiar with. “Giles!” We turn to catch Buffy and Willow making their way towards us. I steel myself for the looks and comments I’m going to get. Yep. This is me texting on my cell phone and not lookin’ at her. “Faith.” I don’t even have to look up to know the expression on her face.

I can hear it in the way she said my name. All hard and cold. “B.” Giles clears his throat once more and nudges me in the arm. Fine. I’ll fucking look at her. I sigh and tuck my phone away and finally look up at Buffy. God she’s beautiful. My brow comes up slightly at the slightly annoyed look on her face. “Heya Red.” Willow jumps just a hair when I address her.

She gives me a wave and hey not so much with the condemning. At least not yet. I’m cool with that. “You guys are late. Thought something might have happened to you.” Giles looks at me for just a second before shrugging at Buffy.

“Yes, well we’re here now. Sorry to inconvenience you.” Did...he just stand up to Buffy for me? I blink and look up at him but he’s got all his attention on B. “It has been an extremely taxing couple of days. Is there somewhere we can freshen up?” This totally takes Buffy by surprise. I think she was thinkin’ that he’d be all huggy and dad like to her but he’s not.

“Yeah sure. Sorry I just wasn’t thinking. Um. Willow do you mind? Satsu is waiting for me.”

And just like that the girl is gone. Probably some urgent Slayer business. Or she really freaking wants to get the hell away from me. Probably both. I glance around lookin’ for Kennedy but I don’t see her anywhere. “Where’s Ken?” Willow starts to lead us away but shrugs at the mention of her girl. Wait. I hope they didn’t break up or anything. I mean I wasn’t exactly thrilled with Kennedy at first but she grew on me. Kinda like mold.

“At home keeping things under control. Most likely pissed off that she’s not here for your homecoming.” Homecoming? I snort at that. Well at least it’s nice to know that Red is still a member of the Birkenstock Army. “So you guys have been doing the whole independent contractor thing. How’s that working out for you?”

Okay I know that she’s just tryin’ to make conversation but I got nothin’ to offer her. Never did. See me an’ Red we don’t mesh. She never liked me an’ well I wasn’t too sold on her either. I think it might have been a mutual jealousy thing. I was hornin’ in on her BFF time with Buffy. An’ well she got to see the parts about Buffy that B was too stuck up to show me. But I’m not gonna think like that here. I can’t.

It’ll just end up a fight or worse. “It’s been interesting. Right G?” He chuckles again and nods. Well I’m not the only one that’s havin’ a hard time making light conversation. “So these my digs for the next few days?” Willow stops at a door and opens her mouth to say something.

“Days? I thought...well...” Well what?

“Wha?”

“Erm. I just kind of thought that you guys were going to stay here for awhile.” Awhile? I glance at Giles who clears his throat for like the millionth time.

“We have work to do as well, Willow but we’ll stay as long as we can.” That was pretty vague. “And my room?” Wow. Not only was it vague but he actually shut Red down. I don’t think he’s ever done that before. I give him a wink and slip in to my room.

It’s nice and basic. I’m good with that. Droppin’ my bag on the floor I flop in to the bed and tuck my hands under my head. So. Seein’ Buffy again, not the horrible thing I thought it would be. I mean. I didn’t get hit. Yet. I guess I’m gonna just have to see what it’s like here. I’m so fuckin’ tired I could crash right now. I think finally bein’ here is sappin’ me of all my energy.

Well that and the fact that I haven’t slept in like three days now. With a grunt I get up and chuck my boots in to the corner of the room before slinkin’ out of my jeans. I flop back in to my bed and close my eyes but I can’t get to sleep. ‘Cause someone decided now was a good time to knock. I sigh and roll over, with the pillow over my head. Right now I’m not in the mood to play nice with anyone. “Faith?”

Fuck. With a groan I get up and open the door. “What?” Xander’s eye bugs out just a little. It’s not like he hasn’t seen more than me in a tank and undies before. For a second I think he’s gonna keel over but he holds up a covered tray. It smells like food. Suddenly I’m over my tiredness and so fuckin’ hungry I could eat an entire cow. Hooves an’ everything.

“Uh hey Faith. I just thought you might be hungry so I...” I don’t even wait for him to finish before I grab the tray out of his hands. Xander just looks at me in that kinda scared kinda turned on way. I give my head a jerk by way of invite. He actually takes me up on it. Huh. Not bad. I’m actually kinda proud of him for takin’ the chance. “So I see you’re settling in well.”

I look around at the mess I’ve already made of the room. It’s not that bad. I give him a mild look before settling on to the bed with the tray on my lap. “Thanks for the grub, Xander.” It was nice of him to think of me. “Tryin’ ta keep me from gettin’ grumpy huh?”

His smile. I always remember his smile. “Yeah well we all know what happens when you get grumpy.” That actually makes me laugh a little. I take the cover off the tray and stare at the two perfect burgers on the tray. My eyes go huge and I think I might be droolin’ a little here. I glance up at Xander an’ do somethin’ I’ve never actually done before.

“Ya want one Xan?” Yeah. I’m big with the sharin’ now. Who fuckin’ knew? Xander beams at me like I never tried ta kill him.

“Sure! I was hungry but I figured I’d let you get your eat on before I started picking off your plate. I kind of wanted to keep as many of my parts as I already have.” Heh.

Well I might have stabbed him with a fork if I had any utensils. “How’d ya know I was jonesin’ for a burger?”

He gives me a shrug. “I didn’t. I just wasn’t all that comfortable with you and silverware.”

Ah. He’s waitin’ to see if I flip the fuck out on that. I just laugh and take my burger off the plate before handing him the other. “So ya got smarter with age huh?” Xander gives me a nod and gestures around the place.

“Well when you’re Buffy’s right hand man you tend to grow up a little.” He’s always been B’s right hand man. He just doesn’t know it. “So I hear you and Giles teamed up to fight the good fight.”

Yeah. I give him a nod and bite in to my burger. It’s the best fuckin’ thing I’ve ever tasted. “Yeah. Turns out we’re not so bad a team.” He gives a nod and pauses before digging in his jean jacket for a couple of bottles of somethin’. Please let that be beer. “If ya tell me that’s beer I might marry you.”

Xander gets a far away look on his face before he uses his key chain to pop the top on one of the bottles. “As appealing as the idea is of a wedding night with you is...I think that ship has sailed for me.” Right. Anya. I wanna kick myself for makin’ him think about that.

“Sorry.” My head dips down because I don’t wanna see that hurt look on his face. It makes me think of all the things I did to hurt him an’ everyone connected with him. A bottle floats in to my line of vision an’ I take it. For a second I think I’m seein’ things but then I realize that the bottle is clear and the beer is green. “Um Xan?”

He looks over at me and shrugs. “Well it’s close to St. Patrick’s Day. I figured you wouldn’t mind a festive beer.” I laugh at that and take a sip. Not bad. “Plus I thought you were one of those Black Irish girls.”

“Pretty much all I know about bein’ Irish is Boondock Saints and Lucky Charms.” I didn’t grow up with a real good family unit. Not one that was proud of who they were anyway. He laughs and sips his own beer. Ya know this isn’t half bad. It’s almost like havin’ a friend other than my old man. “So you been doin’ the whole leader thing huh?”

He gives me a nod and swallows a bite of burger. “Yeah it kind of just seemed logical. I know everything that Buffy knows mostly and I’m good with the girls.” Yeah I just bet. I give him a lewd look.

“Yeah me too.” Xander almost chokes on his burger at that but I just keep my expression neutral.

“That’s kind of a thing with Slayers so I hear.” Wha? I blink and look at him. Really look at him. But he’s givin’ nothin’ away. That’s okay. I mean this many girls all cooped up together...lets just say I’d be surprised if it wasn’t happenin’. Whatever. I shrug and go back to my burger, content to just sit and hang with someone I’m not fuckin’ an’ not takin’ orders from. Not that I take orders from anyone.

So I know that I shouldn’t be hiding but I am. And I know that I probably shouldn’t be hiding in Satsu’s room. But I so am. She looks over at me from her spot in the bed and raises her brows. “So do you want to talk about it or are we going to just have more sex?”

Uh. I look at her and shake my head. “Not really much to talk about. I just had some free time and thought you might want to hang out.” Okay this isn’t hanging out in the strictest sense of the word. I don’t hang out with Willow and Xander the way I hang out with Satsu. That would just be weird and wrong. Okay I should just admit it. I’m not hanging out with Satsu I’m using her.

Fuck. That is so not what I was going for. “Uh huh.” I sigh and lower my head to rest in my hands as I sit on the edge of the bed. I owe her more than this. She deserves better. God, why am I such an asshole? I must really be turning in to Faith. “I’m just your distraction aren’t I?” And again I say. FUCK!

I turn my body and scoot back up the bed until I’m close enough that she can’t avoid my gaze. “That’s not what I wanted this to be.” And to be fair I tried to warn her about getting hurt caring about me. “I’m...really out of sorts right now.” Why do I feel like I’ve been saying this to my significant others all my life? I sigh softly and run gentle fingers along her jaw so I can tip her head up.

“It’s okay Buffy. I knew that when this happened the first time.” No it’s really not okay. Leaning in I give her a soft kiss and follow it up with another. She doesn’t fight me on it and well lets be honest here. Why would she? We just spent a couple of hours making each other very very happy. “So this is the back to the sex part huh?” Damnit. I stop my kissing and pull back.

“I should probably go huh?” Satsu doesn’t look at me when she nods. I fucked up. Again. Why am I always doing this to people? Wait. Why am I always doing this to myself? I get dressed quietly but I’m not sure why because I know she’s not asleep. As I tug on my shoes I try to salvage this in any way I can. “For what it’s worth I’m...”

“I know.” Wow. She couldn’t even let me get out the apology. I clench my jaw and try not to sigh. Well I tried. I stand on slightly shaky legs and open the door to her room. “Buffy?” Am I going to get something chucked at my head? Because if I am I really don’t want to turn around and catch it right in the face.

But of course I turn anyway. “Yeah?” I’m wary because I even though I don’t see anything in her hands, that doesn’t mean she can’t chuck something at me. She is a Slayer afterall. And a damn good one, which is why I felt so close to her.

“I’ll be okay you know.” I give a nod. “I love you but I know you’re...” She shrugs a little and finally looks me in the eye. “You’re a million miles away. I get that.” Does she really? Because I know that I barely get it. Satsu turns out the light and settles down in the bed again and I frown. Wait a minute. Is...she breaking up with me?

We’re not even really together but she’s totally breaking up with me. Wow. So just when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore...here I am. Standing in the dark of my not girlfriend’s room, right after she rocks my socks and kicks me out. God I’d love to hit something right now. I wonder what Faith’s doing. “I...” I what? I’m sorry? I don’t know so I’m just going to shoot from the hip here. “I’m not sorry about anything we’ve done Satsu. I’m just sorry I can’t be more human.”

I guess that’s the root of it. I mean here I am supposed to be all big and bad and evil fighty and defend the human race and I don’t even feel like I’m a part of that. I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything. I close the door behind me and just start walking. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I’m going to do when I get there. I just know I need to be gone for a little while.

It takes me a few minutes to realize that I somehow made my way to the other side of the castle. The side I swore up and down to Willow that I was not going to visit. The side that has Faith in it. She’s pretty much the last thing I need right now but it seems that my brain thinks otherwise. Or maybe my brain was directing me to Giles’ room. Hey that’s a good idea. I knock on the door that we designated for him but no one answers. I knock again just to be sure.

“No one home B. He’s on the phone with Woody downstairs.” My eyes close and I sigh. Of course she would be right there. I turn around and blink at Faith leaning against the frame of her door in a tank top and panties. She couldn’t have at least put on pants? Because someone not me might be eyeing her up right now.

Not that I care. And not that I’m eyeing her up myself. Because I’m really not looking at her legs. I’m looking at the evil shade of green she painted her toenails. Yeap. That’s what I’m looking at. “Fine I’ll look for him downstairs. And put some pants on will you?”

Faith doesn’t let me get far before she has to open her mouth. I knew coming this direction would be a bad idea. “Why B? Afraid someone’s gonna notice ya lookin’?” That stops me dead. I don’t know why it bugs me to hear her talk like that. She’s been doing it for years.

“Don’t flatter yourself Faith, the last Slayer I was eyeing up was a lot hotter than you.” She snorts at that and crosses her arms over her very ample chest. But I’m not looking at that.

“Right. You just hopped on the fun wagon with everyone else. You? Buffy the Great. Little Miss Prude. You. I’ll believe that when I see.”

Fuck you Faith. I take the few steps to get right in her face. My arm shoots out and I rest my hand against the wall by the side of her head. “I don’t give two squirts of duck shit about what you believe Faith.” I inch in just that much closer to her because I know her. And I know what she’s capable of doing. And I know right now she’s catching a nice whiff of someone not her all over me. “Just know she was everything I wanted and then some.”

Her face goes still the same way it does when she’s about to lose control. No one has ever noticed that before but I did. I noticed everything about Faith and she threw it back in my face every fucking chance she got. So right now she can get all still and angry because I’m just as pissed off. Probably more since I just got broken up with because I can’t stop thinking about Faith.

Okay did I actually just think that? Oh my...god... Satsu was wrong. I’m not a million miles away I was just on the other side of the castle with someone who so doesn’t deserve me. And when I think about how she is I don’t think I deserve her either. I had enough of Faith and her self destructo behavior in Sunnydale. I’m over it. I’m over her. “Good for you B.”

Huh? The anger in my eyes doesn’t really fade as much as cloud over as I try and figure that response out. Good for me? That’s what she’s going to comment? Good for me? “It was thanks.” Yes. I am really that big of a bitch. I back off when she doesn’t move. And that’s probably because I had her almost pinned to the wall.

Faith doesn’t smirk. She doesn’t smile. Hell I’m not sure if she’s breathing. “S’long as you’re happy.” Is this some kind of joke? I finally come to terms with that fact that I can’t get her out of my head and she’s happy for me? Wait. Even that was confused in my brain. I pretty much just bitched her out for no reason. Well no good reason. I really need to get out of here.

“Why am I even talking to you?” I take another few steps back until I’m across the hall from her. Faith is just standing there looking at me without one single expression on her face. And that little fact just weirds me out.

She shrugs again. That’s got to be an epidemic around here. Contagious shrugging. Ugh. “Beats me girlfriend.” God I hate her sometimes.

“And stop calling me girlfriend!” And now she’s laughing. Why is she laughing? Forget it I don’t want to know and I don’t really care. I’m going to my room to stuff my face with ice cream and cry my eyes out. Mostly because I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I stalk off but not before I catch a glimpse of Faith watching me go in the reflection in the shiny shield mounted on the wall. It was all distorted so I can’t be sure but I’d swear she looked like I ate her puppy for breakfast.

“Hey Faith! Wait up!” I slow my walk but I don’t stop. I don’t exactly want to talk to anyone right now. Xander finally catches up to me but he’s too busy tryin’ ta catch his breath to talk right now. “Whoa. You sure do cover a lot of ground.” I flick some ash on the ground and take another hit off the joint I jacked from one of the newbies.

He watches me do it too. I always had my thoughts about Xander and the herbage but I never found out if he was cool or not. But I defy anyone to tell me I can’t. “What’s up?” He looks a little shocked at the distant behavior but it melts quickly.

“I’m guessing you know.” Oh yeah I know. I just snort and keep walking. A part of me wants to say I knew before Buffy told me but that’s just the paranoia talking. “Look you and I have kind of a friendship going right?” I nod without looking at him. “So I’m only saying this because I’m your friend as much as I’m Buffy’s.”

“Spit it out already Xander I don’t got all day for friendly advice.” I think I might have actually gotten him to shut up.

“Okay I’m spitting. It’s not what you think.” Ha. Buffy made damn sure it’s exactly what I think.

I turn to give him a blank look. “Doesn’t matter what I think. Like I told B, s’long as she’s happy. Now are ya gonna tell me whatever you ran over here to tell me or was this it?” I don’t want to be a bitch to him. I really don’t. But I can’t help it. I’m hurt and when I hurt, everyone gets to share. Xander stops walking and just stares at me as I keep goin’. “Guess that was it.”

The mutter is under my breath. No point it making the rest of my stay here more fucked up by being a dick to the only other person in this place besides Giles that doesn’t think I’m a total asshole. Though I’m pretty sure he’s thinkin’ I’m an asshole for sure now. I’m kinda surprised when I hear footsteps behind me and realize that Xander’s still following me. Only a little further back. I raise a brow at him.

“I’m just keeping my distance. In case you get the urge to hit something. I really don’t want to be that something today.” Or any day. Despite my funk I quirk my lips in a slight smile. Fine. Whatever.

“Hadn’t planned on hittin’ anything but this joint Xander. I think you’re safe with me.” For the time being. Until I finish this thing and my mellow wears off. Then I’ll want something to punch. Like maybe Buffy. Or the girl. Whoever she is. Nah that’s not right. Xander trots up to my side and puts his hands in his pockets. I glance at him through the corner of my eye and offer him the spliff without a word.

Yeap. I fuckin’ knew it. Xander takes it and hits like a pro. Good man. “So did you mean it?” Mean what? I look at him in mild confusion. It might be the weed but I totally didn’t get the question. “About Buffy being happy. Did you mean that?” Oh.

Part of me wants to say no. But the bigger part, the redemption thy name is Faith part is sayin’ yeah. “Kinda mostly.” He nods at that and hands the joint back. “Thing of it is...I always knew it wouldn’t be me. Doesn’t stop me from gettin’ in a twist over it.” Buffy was supposed to be my girl. Only things didn’t work out that way from way back.

So I got no right to complain about it. None at all. “It’s not like you think Faith.” I just give him another mild look and flick the roach in to the moat. It really doesn’t matter any more. Not a whole fuck of a lot does. “I can explain it all.”

That’s so not necessary. “Cut the chin music Xan. I really don’t wanna know what it’s like an’ what it isn’t. Buffy gave me the short an’ hard version complete with scratch and sniff confirmation. She’s with someone. An’ if she’s just fuckin’ ‘em to fuck ‘em I don’t wanna know that either.”

His mouth closes with a click. Right. Of course. I shake my head and laugh but it’s not fun filled. Pretty much I’m thinkin’ that when Giles gives B the info she needs we’re pullin’ up stakes an’ heading out. And I’m so five by with that. “Okay okay.” He raises his hands in a placating gesture but he doesn’t stop talking. Xander never stops talking. “I’m just saying, there’s more to the story if you ever want to hear it.”

I really don’t. But I do really want to climb a tree. Back home there ain’t that many good climbing trees and I miss the one I used to climb to get to Buffy’s window. But here. Here there are a ton of them. I get a running start and leap up to catch the lowest branch in a big a tree a few feet from where we were standin’. Xander looks up at me and grunts.

“Great. How am I supposed to get up there?” He wants to? With me bein’ all bitch face to him? Huh. I hook my legs around the limb and stretch a hand down to him. Xander looks at it an’ I think he might laugh at me but he grabs it with both of his hands. This is really fuckin’ bizarre. It’s like one of those stupid trust games the prison shrink tried to get me to play. I pull him up easily and he settles in next to me. “Wow. I haven’t been in a tree since Willow and I were short pants.”

Heh. Short pants. That’s so old school. I shift to let my feet swing down an’ lean against the trunk of the tree. “Been a long time for me too.” Xander looks down an’ I think because of the one eye he doesn’t really get how far up he is because he starts tippin’ forward. I’m quick ta catch him though. “Easy there Cyclops. Can’t have ya breakin’ your face while you’re with me. People would jump to conclusions and there’d be all kindsa hittin’ an’ cursin’.” Mostly from Buffy.

But maybe a little from me too. What? I like to hit and curse. It’s kinda my thing. “Yeah no kidding. They’ll probably think we had sex and then you beat me up.” Because it’s happened before. I give him a look that’s mostly apologetic. I shouldn’t have done that to him but I can’t keep sayin’ I’m sorry for old shit that I already paid up my debt on. “But I’d set them straight on the beating up part.”

My brow comes up again. “But not the sex part?”

He grins at me and I have ta roll my eyes. “Hey it’s been a long time. I think the girls in there are starting to think I’m kinda gay.” Well he is. But I’m not gonna be the one to burst his hetero bubble on that. After a few minutes of silence he starts to fidget. Man. I knew this was going to be a shitty with other people around. “Faith?”

“Xander?” I need a cigarette. An’ probably a nice hard fuck to get my mind offa things. But hey at least I got the first part covered. I dig in my jacket pocket an’ light one while I wait for him to say whatever it is he feels he’s gotta say.

“I’m glad you’re back.” Even if Buffy isn’t? I smirk but I’m not feelin’ it. Not really. I guess the smirk is just one of those automatic responses. Kinda how whenever I get under Buffy’s skin I give her a shit eatin’ grin ‘cause I know it fucks with her head. I just give him my nod of thanks but I don’t say anything. Not right now. Right now I just need to let things sink in.

I don’t know how I always end up in these situations. I really don’t. It’s like I’m some sort of magnet for badness when it comes to sex. I never know what’s going on and right now I’m thinking I should never have sex again. Oh! Or you know. Not with other people. I’m old enough and comfortable enough with myself to realize that I so need sex.

And despite my protests to it in the past...Slaying works up a serious lust. Not that I’ll ever admit out loud that Faith was ever right about anything. Because that’s just wrong. I let out a deep sigh and go back to punching the heavy leather bag in the corner of the workout room. I mean I could just work out more to take the edge off that particular itch but a: it’s sweaty in the ick way and b: it’s not as fun as sex.

Okay I know that thinking about sex is not the best way to go about cutting it out of your life but it seems like that’s the one thing that keeps fucking me up. In all the ways that could mean. And it’s making me angry and I’m not sure why. Lets review. I had sex with Satsu. Who loves me. Really truly loves me. And it was great. I mean she’s really...and with the...okay this isn’t helping me. Back to reviewing.

So. Sex with a Slayer. Extra steamy hot. And then Faith shows up and turns that all to shit. Like she always does. And yeah okay maybe I kinda fucked it up a little myself by running to one girl because I’m running away from the other but it’s not my fault. It’s totally Faith’s fault. No one told her to fall in love with me. I know I didn’t ask her to love me.

Because really if this what love is like for Faith I want no part of that. I’m so fucking tired of trying to survive my encounters with her. And usually surviving means having to fight her. Which I am also tired of because she has a really hard head and hitting it hurts. Plus there’s all that sexual tension between us because as much as I don’t want to admit it...I really want to sleep with her.

Which is almost as wrong as my fling with Spike. Granted, she’s not a vampire or evil. Much. But it’s still wrong. She tried to kill me and everyone I love. And hey I know that’s all in the past but the past is very much pertinent to the present. I hit the bag harder once more and step back to watch it swing wildly on it’s chain. I’m breathing heavily because I didn’t realize how hard I was going at it until I stopped.

Why does everything involving Faith have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just...I don’t know...fuck her and get it over with? Maybe then she’ll just leave me the hell alone. A soft knock at the door draws my attention to Satsu. She’s leaning against the frame of the door exactly in the same way Faith was earlier. Only you know, with clothes on.

“Hey.” I offer her a slight smile at that. At least she’s talking to me still. Even though I don’t deserve after how I treated her.

“Hey yourself.” I pull my hair back and in to a pony tail before moving more to the center of the room. She meets me halfway, and offers a tentative smile. She’s so cute sometimes I have a hard time not smiling when she’s around. That’s what I want you know? To feel okay just being around someone. To not need to constantly fight against all of these feelings inside. Someone to just make me feel like I’m a part of something and that it’s okay. Someone safe.

Like Riley was. Oh boy. “You look like you’re trying to work out some stuff.” Satsu gestures to the bag I was beating the hell out of. I glance at it and back at her before taking a seat on one of the padded weight benches. I pat the spot next to me and she settles in on it. “Buffy I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have...”

I have to stop her. Like right now. If I don’t stop her she’ll say it’s okay for me to treat her like an object and that is so not okay with me. “Satsu...you really shouldn’t be apologizing to me. Really.” If I’m that hard up for a good orgasm I should just invest in a really strong vibrator. “It was wrong of me to do what I did and I’m not proud of it.” Not the sex part. I’m kinda sort proud of that. I mean okay it’s not like I’m going to write a new chapter in the Kama Sutra or anything but I did enjoy my naked time with her. “I’m really sorry.”

She looks like she wants to laugh. Satsu tips her head up to stare at the ceiling. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to look at me right now. “We’re kind of sad you know that?” I nod at it. Yeah we kinda are. “The thing is Buffy, I know you care about me.” I do. “And I think I know how you feel about Faith.” She does?

“Great well fill me in since I’m pretty much looking for any explanation for my irrational desire to beat her face in every time I see her.” I had meant it as a joke but it’s just not funny anymore. I think it stopped being funny a few years ago actually. Wait. Was it ever really funny?

She chuckles and sighs. “You’re in love with her.” No. No. No. And Seriously no. I just give her an eyeball roll.

“That really isn’t the case.” I don’t think so anyway.

“I think it really is.” Why does she have to be so fucking smart? I couldn’t have slept with a stupid girl?

My sigh comes out heavy. About as heavy as my chest feels right now. “Whatever feelings I may or may not have for Faith...we’re just never going to work it out. And I don’t want to. I want things she can never give me.” Things I got from Satsu. But I can’t tell her that because that would be me giving in and letting myself use her. Like I used Riley.

And when I think back to that time I realize that yeah I had some good times. I was happy even for awhile. But in the end I was still left standing there by myself. And I couldn’t bear to have that happen with Satsu. “Who can give you what you need Buffy?”

That my friend is a very good question. And I’m just not going to look at her because when I do... Well when I do I want to loose myself in her. “I don’t think anyone can. Not without me hurting them in the end.” Because she’s right. I am in love with Faith. In my own twisted and freakass way. “I’m seriously considering the use of prostitutes though.” That gets me a laugh.

Actually it gets me to laugh too. “Um. Well ew factor aside, I guess that might be a plan.” Yeah. Probably not something I’m actually going to try. “And I know I’m probably asking for trouble by saying this but...my door is always open.” She really really is asking for trouble. I finally glance over at her and smile. “Just give me fair warning so I can look for the female equivalent to Viagra. You kinda wear a girl out.”

Hrm. And I could say I’m sorry about it but well I’m really not. “Is now good enough for fair warning?” This isn’t something I should do. Logically I know that. But. But the smile on her face, and the way she blushes it does something to me. I may not be in love with her but I care. A lot. A lot bordering on love. So I’m not IN love with her. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her at all. Or that I can’t love her.

“Yeah it’s fine. I’ll just post a bulletin on MySpace for my friends.” Um. Huh? “In case no one hears from me in a few days they know I’m in recovery.” Oh.

I hope she’s not serious. “I think enough people know without the public notice.” Faith included. Oh god. Faith. I was really horrible to her and the look on her face when I walked away causes a frown wrinkle in my forehead. Satsu runs her fingertips over it and frowns,

“What’s with the heavy thoughts?”

Yet another good question. “I kinda sorta announced our private life to Faith in a not so good way.” Her brows come up almost to her hairline. I think she’s actually a little afraid of Faith. Which...not really a bad thing to be. Faith isn’t Little Miss Stable and now that she knows I’m in to oral sex with hot young girls...wait that didn’t sound right. Whatever. Now that she knows I’m sleeping with a Slayer she could go koo koo nuts again.

“Wow. But you didn’t tell her that we...had a disagreement?” That’s what she calls a disagreement? Dear god where has this girl been all my life? I take a second to smile and shake my head.

“You mean did I tell her you kicked me out of your room after you turned me out? No. I was um less truthful and just went for the gut. I kinda sorta told her that we were still...together.” I wonder now if that was the right thing to do.

For her part Satsu just nods and leans in to me to nudge me with her shoulder. “So is that what we are? Together I mean.” I don’t even know how to answer that.

“I think that if I say yes you’re going to grow to hate me. And I don’t think I can live with that because I really do care about you. I want this. This thing that you and I have. I want you. Kinda sorta a lot actually but I don’t want to fuck it all up.” She nods her understanding. “So no we’re not together. But yes I am glad that your door is always open because sometimes it’s nice to just need someone.”

I’m shocked at the intensity of her kiss when she leans in. So shocked that I respond with a low groan of need. I need this. Satsu’s body presses in to mine and we topple over on to the floor giggling like retards. But it feels good you know? The feeling of her hands working slowly up my body and over my chest. The way her breath is so warm on my neck as she nibbles down it. I arc up in to her as she travels down my chest leaving hot, wet kisses.

God she’s good at that. And just as the thought that this isn’t a good place for this a familiar tingle down my spine makes me open my eyes. My head tips back and I can see Faith standing at the door to the training room. Oh god. Xander runs in to her back and then looks over her shoulder to see me and Satsu pretty much about to get it on. My hand grips her shoulder and Satsu looks up.

Oh god. Faith doesn’t say anything though. She doesn’t even move. I start to sit up without actually pushing Satsu off of me because I don’t want her to think I’m pushing her away. Faith turns on a heel and brushes right past Xander who’s still standing there. This is so bad. So so bad. “Buffy...”

I look over at Satsu when she speaks but Xander is quick to cut her off. “Okay this is a bad thing.” No shit Xander, thanks for stating the obvious. “Are you going to go after her?” Um. Satsu’s hand is warm on my hip where she’s still touching me and I’m really don’t want that to go away.

“No. I’m really not. Not this time.” The look he gives me breaks my heart. Almost as much as the look on Faith’s face when she walked out. My life is a mess. And it just keeps getting worse. What’s that phrase? One step forward two steps back? Try one stumble forward and six feet back. That is pretty much the story of my life. Xander takes off after Faith and I glance over at Satsu. “I...”

“I get it.” I want to yell at her and shake her and tell her she doesn’t get it. Not at all. But I think I just don’t want her to get it. “I’m not going anywhere Buffy. I’ll always be right here.” Waiting. It’s the part she doesn’t say but it hangs in the air between us. I lean closer and kiss her lightly on the lips before getting up. Once standing I look down at her and smile a little.

“I know.” Because that’s really all I’m capable of saying right now. “I think I’m going to shower...” A really cold shower. She nods and I leave without looking back. I really should just resign myself to being alone because everything I touch turns to shit.

Chapter 5

“C’mon Faith please?” I cut Xander the nastiest fuckin’ look I can manage but he just stands there all puppy dog like. It’s hard ta ignore him when he’s right in my fuckin’ grill like that. An’ I don’t actually want to hurt him but I’m kinda feelin’ the urge to do somethin’ drastic. “Right now I know you’re feeling all explosive volcanic action angry but if you let me come with you I promise all that lava spewing out of your head will cool to a really neat igneous rock formation.”

I blink at him, confused for a second. “You callin’ me a rock head?” Oh I can see him tryin’ ta swallow that laugh that’s bubblin’ up outta him. But I’m pissed an’ now ain’t the time to fuck with me.

“There would have to be something wrong with your medulla oblongata if you think I’m stupid enough to call you a rock head.” See I know what this is. I give him a mildly annoyed look before givin’ him the answer he wants to hear.

“There’s somethin’ wrong with –your- medulla oblongata.” Yeah we’re fuckin’ ten year olds recitin’ lines from The Waterboy. That’ll teach me ta bond with Xander after closin’ a Hellmouth. You never know what movie you’re gonna be subjected to. Ya wanna know the funny part? G-man fuckin’ loves that movie.

Xander slings an arm over my shoulders an’ leads me in to a pub. I guess he thinks I’m not gonna hurt him since I played along a second ago. An’ maybe I won’t since he’s bein’ all tight like glue with me. I shrug him off though ‘cause I’m just not feelin’ that whole tactile gestures of acceptance thing. Not right now. He doesn’t get all butt-hurt about it which I suppose is cool.

“This is more like it. For a second I thought I was going to have to employ the use of a wrecking ball to get you in here.” I give him a hard look.

“The only balls you employ are Ben Wa Balls.” I swear to whatever high and mighty is up there that Xander is gonna choke on his own tongue. I smack him hard on the back to get him to breathe an’ he goes sprawlin’ forward. It kinda makes me feel a lil bad ‘cause it’s not his fault I’m in a piss poor mood. But at the same time he kinda asked for it comin’ in here with me.

When I settle in at the bar I let a low whistle out to let the bartender know we’re here. “Neat trick.” I don’t answer. This is gonna be fuckin’ unbearable with him here. But since he is...

“Whiskey. Leave the bottle.” The barkeep looks at me but does it anyway. “Ya got rooms here?” He nods and points up with a slightly crooked index finger. I give a nod and pull out a hundred dollar bill. “I don’t wanna be bothered.” I can see his eyes go wide but he doesn’t say anythin’ he just takes the money and tucks it in to a pocket. Xander is watchin’ me pour the first shot in to a glass. I knock it back and fill the second one for him.

Ya know I didn’t think he’d be able to kick that drink back but he does easily. The bartender drops a rusty key in front of me. I pick it up an’ run my fingers over the worn in etching of the number one. Always one. ‘Cause one is the loneliest fuckin’ number right? I tuck the key in to my jacket pocket an’ pour myself another drink. One bottle ain’t gonna cut it but it’s a start.

“So does this mean you’re not going back to the castle?” I look over at Xander and snort. Is he a moron? I can’t go back there. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

Before I can say anything though my phone goes off. I tug it outta my other pocket as I slam down another shot. I don’t even bother to look at the caller ID ‘cause there are only two people in the whole world with the number. An’ neither of them is Buffy. “Sup?”

“Faith. Ah. You’re answering. I was worried that you might be neck deep in whiskey at some dirty pub by now.” Well his worries were kinda founded. I flick my eyes to Xander who’s already pourin’ another shot and slidin’ it over to me. At least he finally figured out the rules here.

“Don’t get ‘em in a bunch G. I’m only ankle deep at the moment.” But I’m plannin’ on fuckin’ that up real fast. “I hope ya don’t expect me ta make with the Slayin’ or the helpin’ or the carin’ anytime soon.” He sighs kinda soft like an’ I feel bad for makin’ him worry. See? This is why I don’t do the friend thing. Always someone else to worry about that ain’t me.

An’ why does it hafta be such a big deal for me to be gone right now? It’s not like there aren’t hundreds of Slayers that can do everything I can. “I was hoping you’d be willing to second under Buffy for tonight’s patrol.” Okay I don’t think he even knows what’s goin’ on. An’ that only makes me laugh.

“Sorry G. Get Sushi ta second, I hear she’s been under Buffy lots.” I shut my phone with a snap an’ tuck it back in to my jacket. I know he’s gonna call back. He always does. Not right away but he’ll get worried when I don’t turn up in a few hours. An’ then he’ll call. Maybe I’ll be passed out by then an’ not hear the phone.

Xander clears his throat after taking a shot. “Her name is Satsu.” Okay I’ve had just about all I can take of my little buddy here. I take the bottle and leave the shot glass full before gettin’ up an’ reaching behind the counter for the second bottle. “Faith...just let me...”

I can’t take it anymore. I spin an’ face Xander an’ yeah I’m spittin’ mad. “Let ya what Xander? Tell me it’s not like I think? Explain it all to me?” Because there ain’t shit he can tell me to make me think it’s anything but what it is. An’ I’m dying inside because I wanna believe whatever he’s gonna say. Maybe I will ‘cause then it won’t hurt as bad.

“Just let me be your friend.” If I wasn’t so pissed off right now that might have made me pause. As it is the only thing it makes me do is scoff. “I’m serious Faith. I’ll wait here all night with you if you need me to.”

Yeah I can see big bad Xander tryin’ to keep up with me as I drink him under the table. He doesn’t get it though. “I don’t want ya here.” Because no one needs ta see me like this. And it’s not like he can offer me anythin’ right now. Well...there is one thing. I eye him up an’ down thinkin’ through all the ways I can work him. I could hurt this boy eighty different ways an’ make him get off on all of ‘em. “Unless of course ya wanna take a tumble.”

“You don’t want me Faith and we both know it.” I flick my eyes up to his an’ there isn’t one damn thing I can say to him that wouldn’t be a lie. My head drops in shame and I sigh. “And I know you don’t want me around but I didn’t say I’d wait all night if you want me to. I said I’d do it if you need me. And I think you do.”

It would be so easy right now. To break the bottle on the counter and shove it right through his face. An’ it’d be just as easy to collapse in to him an’ cry like a fuckin’ baby an’ let him tell me it’ll be okay. But it won’t. It can’t ever be okay. I was gonna leave him that shot of alcohol but now he’s pissed me off. “Never needed anyone before, sure as fuck don’t now.” I toss the drink back and slam the shot glass on the bartop. “It’s been real Xan.”

An’ I’m gonna miss him. More than I even know how to say, so I don’t bother. I just grip his shoulder for a second before takin’ the rickety ass stairs up to my room. No point in startin’ a brawl so close to the castle. It’ll just bring Buffy runnin’ an’ her face is the last thing I wanna see right now. As a matter of fact the only thing I wanna see is the bottom of this bottle. I turn the key in the lock of room one. I swear this shit is gonna break off in my hand.

Rooms must not get used much. I slip in to the darkened room an’ drop my duffel bag on the floor before floppin’ on to the bed with both bottles of booze. My phone rings again but I don’t think I’m gonna answer just yet. When it gets quiet again I sit up an’ take in the room. It’s no winner that’s for sure but I feel oddly at home. Must be the musty smell of booze and stale sex and cigarettes.

I snort to myself and tip the bottle to my lips. If that’s what makes me feel so at home it’s a miracle B doesn’t gag just lookin’ at me. Whatever. I already knew this was gonna happen sooner or later. Sure I thought maybe I’d come sweepin’ in to her rescue an’ she’d be all grateful and shit and show me all fuckin’ night how much she missed me. But I never really believed that would happen.

Buffy doesn’t need anyone to rescue her. She never did. So that fucks up that little fantasy right off. Not too mention the fact that up until earlier I was pretty sure Buffy was gonna wear her straight pride badge to her freaking grave. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. The only thing I gotta do is get through the night. I gotta flight to catch first thing in the morning. And I’ll be damned if anything keeps me from that. My phone goes off an’ I pick it up again without lookin’ at the caller ID. “What?”

“Faith?” Oh fuck me. I glance at the screen and want to kick Giles in the head. He gave Buffy his phone to call me on. Motherfucker! “Don’t hang up okay?” I don’t but I fuckin’ want to. “I need to talk to you. Please?”

Please? Is that what Sushi likes to hear? I hang up before I can even go there. And just to be a bitch I turn off my phone so I don’t have to deal. Giles will just have to deal without me. Buffy’s been doin’ that for years. Shouldn’t be anything new.

It took me the better part of an hour just to get Giles to agree to me going out to look for Faith. And only after I completed my patrol. He was kind enough not to mention what Faith said but I heard anyway. Slayer hearing is both a bitch and a blessing. I had managed to get his phone but that option is out. As soon as Faith hung up on me she turned it off.

Which should seriously be my cue to leave it alone. Just let her go and chalk all of this up to the usual bullshit that happens whenever she’s around. But I can’t. I just can’t let it go this time. Hrm. I think I meant I can’t let her go this time. I need to talk to her, I need for her to know what I’m thinking and feeling. Because if I don’t...it’s all my fault.

If she leaves and I don’t say what I want to say. Well then I have no one to blame. Not even Faith. Especially not Faith. I’ve been so horrible to her since she got here, the things I’ve said and done. Or. Not done. I...I fucked up. And she just let me hurt her without so much as raising her voice. She’s different.

My feet take me to a dingy pub. I know she’s here because I can feel her but even if I couldn’t I know this would be the place. I step inside and wait for my eyes to adjust to the dimly lit interior. And why am I not surprised to see Xander sitting at the bar with a very pink and fruity looking drink? “That’s a nice manly drink for a guy to have.” I gesture at it with my chin as I settle on to the stool next to him.

Xander looks at the drink and shrugs. “Well see I got it so that I could attract beautiful women to me and offer them a drink.” He slides it over to me and I take a sip. Oh. My. GOD. I nearly choke on it and slide it back.

“My god Xander what the hell is that?”

He just smiles at me and sips it from the big red straw sticking out of it. “Vodka, Gatorade, alka-seltzer, and pixie stix.” Oh god I think I’m going to puke. That is the most vile sounding thing I’ve ever heard. “It’s called a Hellmouth.”

Well that...actually sounds about right. I order up a beer and rest my forearms on the bar. “So...how’s she doing?” Because asking where she is right now, while a top priority, is not what’s going to get Xander to talk to me. He bonded with Faith and I never realized it until now. I mean I knew. I just didn’t know how attached to her he is.

Xander sighs and puts his drink down. “Well she’s not jumping for joy or anything but she hasn’t started mangling bodies either.” I can see that. Since everyone here looks roughly in one piece I can only assume that it had nothing to do with her. “But she’s hurting Buff. I’ve been sitting here for half the night and she still hasn’t left her room.” She has a room?

Okay. She has a room and she’s angry. Which means one of three things. She’s taking her frustration out by drinking her face off, or she’s taking her frustrations out on whatever able body she turns those dimples on, or option C, all of the above. Can I just say how unhappy I am at these turn of events? “Guess it could be worse. She could be in league with Twilight and planning on attack on my...” On my what? Because I think I made it pretty clear I’m not exactly with Satsu.

“Yeah well she’s not exactly how you remember is she?” Wow. That actually had some heat in it. I blink at Xander and sip my beer idly. “I gotta say Buffy, as one of your oldest and dearest...you really fucked the pooch on this one.” I know I did.

Really he so doesn’t need to point that out to me. “She’s changed.” So different that she didn’t even raise her voice or beat up an innocent bystander. Or even try to take a swing at me or Satsu. She just walked away. “How did I not notice a change that big?”

“Because you didn’t want to look.” Ouch. It’s not something I can argue. “She’s in room number one by the way.” Oh. So he knows that I’m here to talk to her. I mean obviously. Since I’m here instead of with someone else. I swallow against the lump that crawled in to my throat at the idea of walking in on something I really don’t want to see.

“And if she’s not in the mood for company?” Xander snorts and finishes off his drink. I don’t know what that snort is supposed to mean but I guess it’s better than shrugging and sighing. “That’s your way of telling me to suck it up and find out isn’t it?” He just nods once and pays for my beer. This isn’t going to be easy. I have a lot to apologize for and I have no clue if she’s even going to hear me out.

Worse. I don’t think I deserve her to hear me out. I pass him and take the stairs up. The second I’m at the top it’s like all the air goes rushing out of my lungs. There’s so much anger and pain flowing through our connection that I almost can’t stand to be here. So. I know she’s at least pretty shit faced or she wouldn’t allow me to feel anything like that through our connection.

I’m just about to knock when the door swings open quickly and Faith’s body blocks the entrance. I think I caught her by surprise because she blinks at me a little bleary eyed right before she slams the door in my face. Okay. Let me try that again. “Faith, please let me in. I think we need to talk.” There’s silence and finally the sounds of muttered curse words. Wow. When did she learn how to swear in German?

The door opens again and she completely blocks the way in. “What?” Her tone is short and not exactly welcoming. Guess I can’t blame her for that.

“Can I come in?” Because I really don’t want to stand in the hall of a dirty pub and explain why I am as fucked up as I am. Faith grunts and steps back on unsteady feet. She’s had a lot to drink. I can smell it rolling off her in waves. I close the door behind me and lean against it. “So...you’re not staying at the castle the rest of your visit?”

Lame. Why did I ask that? Clearly she’s not staying at the castle until Giles is done. She raises her brow and glances around the room. “The fuck do you want?” Okay now I’m starting to feel all defensive. Why does she always do that to me? Belittle me like that? Oh wait. I did that first this time. Shit. Okay.

“I came here to apologize Faith. I...” Words fail me for a second and I have to clear my throat before I start again. “I was a real bitch, and worse than that I tried to hurt you, for no good reason. I’m sorry.” There. I said it. Of course I’m not exactly looking her in the eye here as I say it but I think it’s pretty clear how sorry I am.

When she doesn’t say anything I glance up and see Faith laying on the bed staring in to the bottom of an empty bottle. “You done yet?” That’s really not what I was expecting to hear. It’s like a slap in the face and I have to try really hard not to get angry.

I open my mouth but close it quickly. I don’t want to say something angry and have this blow all out of proportion. “No. I’m really not.” Okay so this is the stressful part. This is the part with the actual talking. Moving slowly so I don’t startle her I sit on the edge of the bed and look down at her. “What I did to you was really fucked up Faith. Really fucked up. And I want you to know that I wish I could explain everything to you but...” But I’m still figuring it out.

“But what?” She’s uncertain and I can feel it in my gut. Well at least she’s not making me feel about an inch tall.

“But I don’t know how to work through all the things I feel whenever you’re around.” And it makes me act like a crazy person. Well it makes me act like MORE of a crazy person. “It’s like this thing is inside of me, driving my body and making all the wrong choices and I can’t seem to stop because if I do then I have to think. And sometimes when I think, I think of you. And that’s kind of scary so...crazy lady takes the wheel.”

Does that even make sense? “Okay I know I’m drunk here but that makes less sense than the time Giles tried ta tell me that the Dewey Decimal System was really invented by a Scornak demon.” I’m pretty sure she means Skorneck demon. But really a demon is a demon. Sure some are less demony than others but on the whole they aren’t exactly doers of right and paragons of good will.

“What I’m saying Faith is that you make me crazy.” And really if she doesn’t know this by now she really wasn’t paying attention all the times I beat her up. "Everything about you drives me fucking insane. The way you talk, the way you slay, the way you always seem to be flirting with like everyone you meet. The drinking, the cursing, everything. Well. Everything but the leather.”

Hey I know the value of a good leather pants now. I totally get it. Plus. She looks good in lather. ER. LEATHER. Faith looks good in leather. God. So not the time for that kind of thinking. Faith frowns and I swear for a few seconds I think she’s going to hit me. “Yeah I think I got that the time ya gutted my ass.” Fuck. She’s going to be as difficult as possible about this. Okay lets try another route. Breathe in Buddha, breathe out Hitler. Breathe in Buddha, breathe out Hitler.

“Yeah. Well we both made that one hell of a mess.” Hey okay so I wasn’t innocent in that. But lets not forget that Faith did her part to fuck me over. More than her part anyway. But I don’t want to get in to that. That way leads to badness. “We were never known for our long quiet talks and walks on the beach.”

Faith snorts and sits up more fully. “Yeah well those are couple things an’ you an’ me are anything but.” Well she’s got that right. “An’ while we’re on the subject I fuckin’ hate the way you act so fuckin’ innocent when we both know that’s bullshit. Ya drive me fuckin’ insane with the way you’re so fuckin’ high an’ mighty and all super hot an’ shit. Just ‘cause you’re big shit doesn’t mean everyone else is a lil shit.” Um. Huh? I think in a totally drunken slur kind of way that her statement actually made sense.

“So you hate me because I’m pretty?” Faith gives me an irritated look and rolls over on her side so she doesn’t have to look at me. See that’s not okay for me. I sigh and lean over her body so I can still look at her even if this isn't the most comfortable position to be in. “I was kidding. I know I know. Xander was pretty willing to share my flaws with me before you came here.”

And during. And I’m pretty sure after too. “Yeah well good someone should.” Someone did. I just wasn’t listening. “Ya know what else Buffy? I don’t give a fuck who you take ta bed, or how fuckin’ good they are. That don’t mean shit because that person wasn’t me. You wouldn’t know a good fuck if one landed in your lap.”

Okay. This is where it gets personal. And this is where I try not to get pissed. “So if you don’t give a fuck why did you bring it up?” As soon as I say it I know I should have kept my mouth shut. Faith looks at me like she wishes she could shove my face through the wall. And the way her hands are clenching I’m thinking she might try.

“Just get the fuck off my bed and get out already. You’re sorry. Fine. Me too. G’way now.” What? Is she fucking serious? That’s it? Just yell at me then say okay I’m sorry too now get the fuck out? I chuckle humorlessly and lean back and away from her.

“Wow. New personal first. Never been kicked out of two beds in one day.” I wasn’t ready for the fist that flies toward me. Or the impact. And I’m not really ready for the pain but that’s there too. Ouch.

Chapter 6

Goddamn you Buffy. Goddamn you straight to hell. “Just get the fuck off my bed and get our already. You’re sorry. Fine. Me too. G’way now.” It’s the only thing I can think to say because I really don’t wanna answer that question. I don’t even know why I said all that. I’m gonna go ahead an’ blame it on the drinkin’ though. Maybe I can get a lil bit more fucked up so then I won’t remember this when I wake up back home. ‘Cause I know I’m gonna knock the fuck out on the plane after all this.

“Wow. New personal first. Never been kicked out of two beds in one day.”

When she says that it’s like everything about me goes flyin’ out the window. Everything that I worked so hard to keep together just...dies. An’ I’m back to me. The me that I know and hate. The me that everyone knows and hates. Maybe that’s why I don’t stop myself from takin’ a swing at her. Maybe it’s why I don’t stop myself from grabbin’ a hold of Buffy an’ pinning her under me.

She struggles against me, tryin’ ta push me offa her but I grip her wrists tight in one hand over her head. It’s rough and it’s hard when I push a knee between her legs and grind in to her. Buffy almost yelps an’ I can’t lie. It fuckin’ drives me ape shit with need. “This where ya wanna be? Tired of gettin’ booted out of beds...”

“Faith...”

I growl down at her bring a hand to her chest so I can pull the snaps of her western shirt open. The little pearlized buttons sound loud when they pop like that. “Say it again.” My voice is low and close to her ear ‘cause I want her to know she’s here with me. “Fuckin’ say it again Buffy.” I’m not loud but I could get loud if she doesn’t fuckin’ do what I tell her.

“Faith please...”

Those green eyes go wide an’ I don’t know why but it only makes me more mad at her. Like she doesn’t have a right to beg me for shit. I kiss Buffy for the first time then. Not like how I always thought it would go. Not all soft. It’s rough an’ I know the smell of liquor is practically gaggin’ her but she can’t do anything about it. “Ya like ta beg B?” Her brow furrows and she starts to shake her head but I don’t even let her try ta talk.

No talkin’. No more fuckin’ talkin’. With my free hand I yank the belt on her pants hard and she whimpers. If she only fuckin’ knew how long I wanted her to whimper like that while she’s under me. How I wanted to be the one to make her feel that way. But I wasn’t. She took that away from me too. She takes everything away from me. Once her belt is loose I tug an’ pull an’ yank her jeans down to her knees.

The air is filled with her scent an’ I think I might just fuckin’ loose it here. “Faith...wait...please...I...” I don’t wanna hear it so I kiss her hard again an’ bite down on her lip until it bleeds. The taste of it fills my mouth an’ I half wanna spit it out. But then I remember. I’m fuckin’ Faith Lehane. Motherfuckin’ FAITH LEHANE. I don’t give a shit if it hurts or freaks her out. I don’t care if she begs me to stop. All I care about is fuckin’ Buffy.

Fuckin’ her raw an’ leavin’ her to her bitch. “Wait? Wait for what B? You ta tell me ya want it?” ‘Cause it’s kinda too late for that shit. “You already want it. Ya want me B an’ we both fuckin’ know it.” She bucks up tryin’ ta get me offa her but I’m stronger than she is. An’ I want this more than she wants me ta stop. I bring my face close to her ear again an’ whisper in a low rasp. “I can fuckin’ smell how much ya want me...so ya can’t lie this time.”

I reach down an’ I swear to God I’m gonna take her. Except that I don’t. I don’t cause she shudders under me an’ spreads her legs as far as they can go all trapped the way they are. “I...” I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t even fuckin’ wanna hear it right now. My hand goes to her neck instead an’ I squeeze to cut off the words threatening to come out of her mouth.

“Shut up! All ya do is lie ya know that? Ya lie to your friends, your family. Ya lie to yourself all the fuckin’ time. But ya can’t lie your way outta this Buffy. Not this time. You fucked me. An’ you just wouldn’t let it go. Ya had to dig and push an’ keep on pushin’. This is what ya want B.” An’ I’m not talkin’ about the sex. I’m talkin’ about me.

She wants me like this. She wants me to hurt her because then she can be the fucking victim all the time. “I..don’t...want...” I squeeze harder but she struggles to say it anyway. “Not like...this...” I laugh at her then. I laugh real hard an’ she winces. I can see how scared she is, fuck, I can practically smell it in the air. I let go and give her clit a hard tweak. Buffy’s body arches up an’ she squeals but it ain’t in pain.

“Fuck you Buffy. Ya don’t always get what ya want.” I push off of her an’ move off the bed so I can stand by the window. “Get out.” My voice is so cold I think I mighta given myself freezer burn. I can see her from the corner of my eye. Buffy’s sittin’ on the edge of the bed pullin’ her shirt closed an’ tight against her body. I feel sick. I didn’t at first but now that some of the anger is wearin’ off and the tiredness is settlin’ in...well I fuckin’ feel sick.

Sick for everything fucked up I’ve ever done. I mean yeah it could have been so much worse than just that but that was bad enough. But this is it. This is who I am. I was just fuckin’ kidding myself before. I’m not good. I’ll never be good. An’ I’ll never be good enough for her either. “Faith...”

Goddamnit does she ever fuckin’ shut up? I look at her with a look so full of hate she actually flinches. I can’t stand this anymore. I just...can’t. I push open the window and lean out to let the cold breeze slap me in the face. The sting of it does a fuck of a lot to sober me. Shock sobering gotta love it. Of course the wind doesn’t shock me half as much as Buffy’s hands on my back. I jump an’ practically take a header out of the window but her grip is firm on me.

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me.” Why do I just sound tired? Why don’t I sound pissed off?

“Stop me.”

I...can’t. I turn in Buffy’s arms an’ glare down at her. “I fuckin’ hate you. I hate everything about you.” It’s weak. I know and so does she. I gotta look away 'cause she’s cryin’ and I know I did that. Again. I always do that.

“I love you.”

My world stops spinnin’ an’ we stand here staring at each other. “You...” But I can’t ask. I can’t say anything ‘cause I think Buffy just broke my jaw. I stumble back in to a small table an’ go crashing to the floor.

“Goddamn you Faith! Why? Why did it have to be this way? Just tell me why...”

Why? Why not? I am who I am. But none of that comes out of my mouth. Nothin’ comes out of my mouth until I’m up an’ pushing her against the wall. “Because I fuckin’ love you.” I let go of Buffy and turn to start gettin’ my shit together. I just need to get away from her. Far enough away that she won’t try an’ find me this time. Far enough to get lost again. Buffy’s soft sobs make me stop an’ I don’t wanna look at her but I do. I look at her an’ my heart just fuckin’ breaks.

“This is love for you?” Yeah. Pretty fucked up huh? This is why it’s better she’s with the kid. At least she won’t break Buffy’s heart. An’ if she does I’ll break her fuckin’ legs. “You...almost...you almost did that for love?” I know she’s tryin’ to understand it. Make sense of it but she can’t. No one can. An’ I’m tired of tryin’. I’m sorry Giles, but I’m kind of a lost cause. Hope he forgives me but I’m not bankin’ on it once B gets back to the fort. I’m sure Red will be all over the place tryin’ ta find me. And Xander.

Xander’ll never forgive me. Ever. I don’t want to be forgiven so I guess that’s okay. It’s better if they all hate my guts. I turn away from Buffy an’ pull off my shirt to change in to a fresh one. This one smells like booze an’ Buffy’s pussy. An’ it’s makin’ me even more sick. I start tuggin’ on my clean shirt when I feel her hands on me again. On my bare stomach. The fingertips of her hand glide over the long scar she put there an’ I grip her hand hard. “Don’t go there B. I just wanna get outta here before the bloodshed starts.”

Maybe it’s a little late for that. Maybe this is just how it hasta be. “Tell me you love me again Faith.”

Why? Why is that important? I sigh heavily an’ finish pulling my shirt down. “Does it even matter anymore? Does any of this even fucking matter Buffy?” I settle on to the edge of the bed and hang my head. It’s all confused in my head. I love her but I hate her. She wants me but she can’t fucking stand me. Anyone else feel like we’re still in high school here?

Her voice is so soft that I almost miss it. “It matters to me.”

Now it’s my turn to ask why? But I don’t. I don’t wanna make this even more drawn out than it already is. I don’t say anything because I can’t. What I did to her just now wasn’t love. She’s right about that much. “Why’d ya do it Buffy? Why’d ya hafta push me?” It’s not an apology because I can’t just give her that. I can’t let go enough to give her the one thing I know I owe her. Buffy kneels in front of me an’ rests a warm hand on my knee.

“I’m so sorry Faith.” How come she gets to do that? How come she gets to say sorry to me like it’s her fault I’m a psycho? “I’m sorry I never told you how I felt. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. I’m sorry for the way I treated you since the moment you got here and the way I told you about...” I cut her off there because I really don’t need anymore painful reminders here. I know already. B fucked a girl. And guess what? It wasn’t me.

It’ll never be me. “Stop fuckin’ sayin’ that.” I can’t even put a lil heat in that because it’s like I can’t move. Like I’m just sinkin’ and I can’t get free. “Just...stop.”

“I can’t Faith. I can’t just stop loving you. No matter how angry I am right now I can’t let you go without you knowing.” Well it’s too late for that Buffy. It’s too late for you to love me because the one you should have loved just died. I killed her the second I touched you an’ she ain’t never coming back. “No. Nonono. Don’t you do that to me Faith please. Don’t.” I know what she’s beggin’ me to stop doin’ but I can’t help it. It’s the only thing I know how to do.

So I shut down every part of me that’s left. I stand up an’ brush past her. “Almost B. Almost had it right this time.” But almost is never enough an’ we both know that. I sling the bag over my shoulder an’ blink the tears outta my eyes because I’m so tired of cryin’. Goodbye hopeless dream. I’ll try not ta think about you. I’m turnin’ my back on you. I should’ve known she’d bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do.

Buffy moves fast enough to get in front of me before I can get out the door. She’s beggin’ me with eyes. “So that’s it? You just pretend? You don’t even try a mock defense?” I drop my gaze from hers and shrug. “You’ll just step in to the night won’t you?” I nod once because it’s all I can manage. Just let me go Buffy. Just let me run in to the night an’ hide my pain in lust an’ rage. Just let me be. Her hands cup my face an’ she pulls me to her for a gentle kiss. “We can make this work.”

No we really can’t. I tip my head down an’ give her one last kiss. An’ it’s everything that I always wanted our first kiss to be. And then I leave. Because if I stay...

There is no staying. There’s nothing here for me. Not even Giles. He’s Buffy’s again.

She’s gone. She fucking left me. Again. Slayers must be slow to learn their lessons because I’d swear its high school all over again. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do now. Although curling up on this slightly smelly bed and crying until I die sounds like it might be a front runner option at the moment. I’ve grown up I know but right now I don’t feel that way. Right now it’s just like the time Angel walked away.

What is it about me that inspires so much wanderlust? I mean. Supposedly they all loved me. At least that’s they said. But they all left. Everyone but Spike but he decided his best option was to go up in flames for me. Which is leaving on a permanent level. It’s sad that I can find a reason that has nothing to do with me for each person that walked away. But this time it’s all me. I did this to her.

Okay I’m not ignoring what she just did to me. Because that was wrong on so many levels. And I’m not okay with that. It was a little too close to some Spike memories I don’t care to relive. And I really don’t want to think about the fact that I really wanted her to. I mean. I wanted her yes, and the violence of that act was both good and bad. Good because um yeah I have some issues and sometimes it gets me a little worked up. But bad because it should have never gone that far.

Whatever restraint Faith had was gone the second I made that stupid comment. I don’t even know what possessed me to say that. It just...flew out of my mouth and Faith’s fist flew in before I could take it back. I move to the dusty mirror in the corner and look at myself. My jaw is a little red but that’ll go away in a bit. I open the neck of my shirt a little and look at the slight bruising there. She wasn’t holding hard enough to do a lot of damage but it was really not comfortable.

Not especially with her angry eyes on me. I shudder just thinking about all the hate inside of her. I know it’s not for me. Well not entirely for me. Most of that is all about Faith. I know that. I know it and I want to vomit because I know I caused some of that. Always telling her she was wrong. Don’t get me wrong here, I am in no way taking the blame for the extreme crazy that happened after she killed Finch. But I do take the blame for pushing her just that much more over the edge.

Because I’m a pusher. I pushed her then and I pushed her now. And I shouldn’t be surprised that she pushed back. My gaze lands on my hands and the dark bruises on my wrists. They hurt. Tears slide down my cheeks as I stare at the bruises. I wish I could say that I can’t believe she’d hurt me like that but I’m not that stupid. She’s hurt me a lot worse in the past. It dawns on me as I’m rebuckling my belt and fixing my clothes that Faith in her own weird way was trying to make a point.

I don’t think she ever wants me to confuse her and Satsu. It’s an understandable motivation for point making. I don’t exactly agree with the way she made her point but I understand it. She wants me to think that’s all she is. She wants me to run right in to Satsu’s arms because she has some fucked up idea that it’s the best way to protect me from her. And maybe she’s right. There’s a knock at the door and I turn to see Xander standing there. He opens up his arms and I go to him and cling.

“She’s not coming back is she?”

I shake my head no and he sighs. She’s not coming back. “I messed everything up.” He holds me tightly and kisses the top of my head. I notice he’s not arguing with me just trying to comfort me.

“Come on Buffy lets go home. Giles will want to know what’s up and you should get cleaned up before Satsu sees you.”

Oh god. If she knew, if she saw the bruises she’d freak out. “Yeah that’s a good idea. She’ll be the first one to volunteer for the manhunt.” And as crushed as I am, Xander’s stifled laugh at that makes me smile a little. “Take me home?”

“Sure thing Buff.” He lets his arm rest over my shoulders as he leads me down the stairs and out in to the cold night air. I’m glad he’s not pushing me to talk about it all right now because I can’t. I don’t think I ever want to talk about it again. She’s gone. “We going to look for her?”

I think that’s the last thing that Faith wants right now. I start to shake my head no but stop. I can feel that tingle run down my spine from our connection and I glance up. If I didn’t have Slayer abilities I would never notice her standing on the roof of a building just watching us. Listening. I stare at her for what seems like a lifetime before she backs away and melts in to the black of night. “She doesn’t want to be found.” Not by me.

Not by anyone I think. Giles is going to kill me. I open my mouth to say so but I catch the slow roll of a tear out of Xander’s eye. I’m not the only person Faith keeps walking out on. I lean in to him as we walk. I could have loved her. I could have made all the pain go away. I just wish I figured it out before it was too late. But then I wish a lot of things and I never end up getting them.

It doesn’t take long to get to the castle but we took the scenic route which consists of us walking the perimeter a couple of times before we go in. Xander goes one way when we get in the doors to run interference for me. I head straight to my room and close the door behind me with a soft click. “Did you work it out?” The soft voice coming out of the dark startles me and I spin around ready to hurt someone. Oh.

It’s Satsu. I shake my head. “No.” She turns on the light and nods. There’s a hiss of shock when she gets a good look at me. I’m guessing the bruises on my neck are starting to get darker. I look at my hands and tuck them in to my back pockets. “It’s not what you think.” Her dark eyes go up to my face and I can see something building in there that I know I don’t want to see. “Believe me. I deserved...some of it.”

Her jaw clenches in that adorable way she has when she’s trying to keep from saying something nasty. I smile a little and move to sit on the bed next to her. I’m so tired. Of like, everything. “You want to talk about it?” How can she sit there being so sweet to me after the things I’ve put her through? I shake my head and lean in to her body. Satsu immediately opens her arms in invitation and I fall in to them. Almost literally. “You wanna cry for awhile?”

“Yes please.” I know right now I’m being a horrible person. Crying over another woman to the girl that loves me. But there is something undeniably comforting about her being here right now. “I’m sorry.” I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.

“Shhh shhh, save sorry for tomorrow.” Satsu reaches over and turns out the light. The dark helps and I let out a heartbreaking sob. Faith’s words come back to haunt me. Almost had it right this time. But almost is just never enough.

The End